Talking to People is Scary!
Most people feel anxiety when it comes to communication. Stepping into hard conversations is…well…hard. A lot of families aren’t winning any medals when it comes to assertive communication, and many people grow up with aggression, withdrawal, or knife-in-the-side passivity masquerading as conversation.
Anxiety around talking to people might come from painful communication patterns in your FOO (family-of-origin). Conversational anxiety is sometimes rooted in cultural or societal lessons around communication, or stems from situations where communication has gone poorly in the past (like having a really difficult boss).
So why have hard conversations if it’s so scary? There is probably a values-based answer here that is unique to you. You might have a value of self-respect, so it’s important to talk to your boss about your salary. Or you have a value of honesty, and so you want to confront a friend about her hurtful words. Maybe authenticity is one of your core values, and there’s something vulnerable you want to communicate to a loved one.
I’m sure I’ve said this a million times, and I’ll say it again…values-aligned living and difficult emotions go hand-in-hand. They are flip sides of the same coin, BFFs, and ride-or-die pals. When we take action on something important to us, we feel challenging feelings.
I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make communication easy for you.
Alas, I don't have a magic want, and the reality of difficult communication remains. So instead of burying our heads in the sand, let’s do some metaphorical wand waving and give you a few skills to approach hard conversations like the communication wizard you aspire to be.
1. Communication Wizardy Step One: Watch out for Content Traps
So many of our arguments are about the content of a situation. Who said what to whom, who acted in what way, and why so-and-so is wrong about A, B, or C.
The problem with content-based arguments and communication is that it’s incredibly easy to get caught up in details and forget to see the bigger picture. Conflict artists are people who are able to step out of the minutia and keep a bigger picture in mind.
Example of Content versus Context
Your Coworker: “Shauna at work told George that I messed up on an email to Bob.”
You, stuck in Content: “Shauna sucks! She’s wrong. Remember that one time she messed up?! She’s the worst. I hate Shauna.”
You, working towards Context: “Oof, I’ve had some hard interactions with Shauna too. That’s so stressful. I know when I think I’ve messed up at work I can start to feel really bad about myself. How are you doing?”
You’ll notice in “working toward context” that we didn’t totally bypass content. Sometimes, bypassing content can leave the other person feeling unheard and invalidated. In some cases that might be ok (see energetic boundaries below), but in relationships you really care about and that feel mutual and reciprocal, it’s ok to hang out in content for a bit before moving to context. You just don’t want to get stuck in content forever.
2. Communication Wizardry Step Two: Energetic Boundaries
As you’re practicing your communication skills, start making note of who is worth your emotional energy and who is draining you. In the work example above, the context response was attuned to your coworker’s emotions. You checked in, and asked “how are you doing?”
I’m sure you know this, but not every single person in your life warrants a “how are you doing?” If a friend reaches out with a stressful work situation, of course you are going to ask them how they are doing and take the time to listen carefully.
If we’re talking about a person who is an emotional vampire, you might say something like “Oof that sounds really stressful. Do you have someone you can talk to about this situation? I know going to therapy is really helping me sort through this kind of stuff.”
Energetic boundaries involve paying attention to how you feel around certain people, and how you feel before and after interacting with them. Do you feel dread every time you think about hanging out with Becky? Or like you need a three hour nap after spending the day working with Steve? If so, it might be time to hold some boundaries around communication.
3. Communication Wizardry Step Three: Reality Checking
Reality checking a conversation means asking yourself what you want out of an interaction, and if it’s possible to achieve the desired result.
Many times when we express ourselves, we don’t get the reaction we want. People we hold boundaries with don’t usually stand up and start applauding our bravery. So it’s good to know what your goals are for a conversation going into it and whether or not your goals are reasonable given what you know about the other person.
This is especially true if you’re about to talk to someone who is reactive, emotionally immature, or manipulative. You might have to armor yourself beforehand, and remind yourself that the other person is going to do all sorts of conversational and emotional gymnastics to try to change the subject or get you to react.
The “broken record” technique is great in these types of conversations. Your job is to continue repeating the same message over and over no matter what the other person is doing.
Example: Your Roommate Never Does the Dishes
You: Hey Tasha, will you clean up after yourself in the kitchen?
Tasha: Well I usually do, but this week my cat has been sick and I had to take her to the vet last minute. Also, my girlfriend’s cousin took her car without permission so I’ve been really busy helping her.
You: Oh boy, you’ve had a tough week. And, I’d still appreciate it if you’d do your dishes right away so the kitchen stays clean.
Tasha: You’re being so insensitive! I told you I’ve had a hard week. It’s not like you’re perfect at cleanliness either!
You: No, I know that. And, like I was saying, I think things would go more smoothly here in the household if you could wash your dishes right after you finish cooking and eating.
This could go on forever. Tasha might keep giving reasons she hasn’t washed her dishes, and won’t wash her dishes, and can’t wash her dishes. As the broken record, you keep returning to your original request. It would be easy to get caught up in content here and get into a back-and-forth…don’t do it! If the situation gets too explosive or tense, you can ask to take a step back and revisit at another time.
4. Communication Wizardry Step Four: What Gear are you In?
If you’ve ever driven a stick shift vehicle, you know about high gears and low gears. When you’re cruising down the highway, you’re usually in fifth gear, or even sixth gear if you have a fancy 2015 Subaru with a front-tow package (which is definitely not a hyperspecific example from personal experience.)
As humans, we also have internal high and low gears. Internal high gears are often characterized by feelings of stress, anxiety, and agitation. This is our flight response—the racing thoughts, muscle tension, and increased heart rate of our survival system screaming “run away!”
Just like it’s inadvisable to pull out your phone and start texting when you’re cruising down the highway in fifth gear, it’s also inadvisable to pull out your phone and start texting your friends when you’re in a fifth-gear emotional state. You’re definitely more prone to an emotional car wreck if you impulsively fire off your ragiest missive to the group chat.
Don’t text and drive, and don’t text when you’re really mad. Throw your phone across the room (onto something soft) if you have to. Communicating when in fifth gear is only going to leave you with a big mess to clean up later.
Pick one or two communication wizard maneuvers to practice over the next month or so. Remember your values...communication opportunities where something is so important to you that you willingly choose to feel fear and anxiety in order to take action. Talking to people is scary…and practicing really helps.
Struggling in the communication department? Therapy can help as well. I offer a complementary 15 minute consultation call to anyone interested in working with me. Schedule yours today!