Anxiety Loves a Good Hang: Part One
I was in a local shop the other day and overheard this adorable (paraphrased) conversation between employees:
Employee 1: “I had some ideas for the store last night at 2 AM…”
Employee 2: “Hey, that’s my worry time! You can’t take that from me.”
So relatable, right? We all know what it’s like to be woken up by the cold bucket of water that is 2 AM anxiety, and to be kept awake for hours by anxious thoughts.
Anxiety loves a good hang, like that one uncle at family gatherings who sets up camp in the recliner and holds everyone hostage with long, drawn-out stories. You can try to push Uncle George out of the recliner and into the kitchen, but he’ll just post up at the island instead, or find a way to wiggle back into the living room through the side door when you're not looking.
Before you know it, you’ve wasted the whole family gathering—not to mention a whole lot of precious energy—fighting with Uncle George, trying to make him go away, shut up, leave the room, and quit his antics. In spending all your energy in this fight, you probably missed out on connecting with your favorite cousin, playing a game with your nieces and nephews, or hearing the latest gossip from your brother.
At first, people can feel pretty darn dissatisfied with this skill. Our mind wants THE ANSWER to the problem of anxiety, and our brain can get reactive and frustrated when THE ANSWER isn't readily available.
So, we'll get to the step of identifying the places anxiety hangs out (I'll bet you can already guess many of them.) But first let's talk about the why. Why should we spend time and energy looking at anxiety this way? We should be solving anxiety instead, right?
There's a great quote that I'm sure I've referenced in other posts that goes something like "I used to think the mind was the most important organ in the body...until I realized what was telling me that."
I get it...I have an intellectual, heady part of me that feels really comfortable "mind-ing." Over years of doing my own work with this part, I've realized that by only paying attention to our mind we're cutting ourselves off from huge, powerful sources of wisdom like the body, the nervous system, the emotional response system, and the subconscious.
To even start exploring the why, you might have begin with a little chat with your mind and your thoughts that goes something like this:
You: Hello, Mind. You seem quite frustrated.
Mind: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND THAT PROBLEM IS ANXIETY AND I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU FIX IT LETS GO LETS GO.
You: Ok Mind, I get that you are trying to protect me. Thank you for all your hard work.
Mind: *&%$#@*! COME ON THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.
You: Ok buddy, why don't you take a little break. We're going to try something new for awhile.
This sort of conversation with the mind can take...awhile. In therapy time, we're talking many, many sessions. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) these intellectual parts of ourselves are called managers. They run the day-to-day, they like being in charge and important, they're rather bossy, and they love a megaphone moment.
These managers have been around forever, and have assisted you in getting to where you are today. In some cases, they've literally helped you survive. As exhausting as these managers can be, they always have what IFS calls "positive intent." They really are trying to be helpful.
Anywhoo, I digress. See, look...it's my heady intellectual part taking over right now, wanting to blab at you about the technicalities of a complex therapeutic model. What I'm really trying to say is that part of your "why" might be this:
You've listened to your mind for a very long time, and you're still stuck in the same place. So maybe it's time to try something new.
Ben Eckstein, in his book Worrying is Optional1, describes anxiety as a game of Whack-A-Mole. One anxiety pops up and you give it a good whap, and then another anxiety pops up, and then another and another. Just like in your battle with Uncle George, you're endlessly trapped at the Whack-A-Mole machine, hitting and hitting away as moles pop up faster and faster.
Here's the thing. Uncle George is always going to find a way back into the living room. There's always going to be another mole. Anxiety is always, always, going to find a place to hang out because in it's love of a good hang, that's just what it does.
I'm sure you've tried many, many ways to get rid of anxiety. Take a moment here to jot down a list of all the things you've tried. I'll get you started:
In order to get ride of anxiety, I've tried:
1. Scrolling on my phone
2. Smoking weed
3. Not doing things that make me anxious
4. __________________________________
5. __________________________________
Dang, you've worked really hard to make anxiety go away. And you've tried many clever and thoughtful solutions. No one can say you've been lazy in trying to get rid of anxiety, and no one can call you unintelligent or disparage your creativity.
This whole time, you thought you were the problem...that you weren't working hard enough or smart enough to stop anxiety from hanging out.
Because anxiety loves a good hang, it turns out the problem is actually your efforts to control anxiety—your attempts to wrestle with, manage, and get rid of this persistent houseguest.
We're going to talk about lots of ways to work with anxiety that don't involve wasting your precious energy in a game you can't win. But let's start where we are, with acknowledging where anxiety is hanging out in this moment. Again, you can have a little conversation: "oh hey anxiety, you're hanging out in politics now? That's cool, you're allowed to hang out there for awhile. In the meantime, I'm going to go do something I care about."
Remember, we've already predicted that your mind is going to freak out and be dissatisfied with this starting point, and that your manager parts are going to want to do more, solve it, and fix it all now. Try gently telling these parts that they can return to their regular programming in a minute...but that for now, you're trying something new.
Anxiety loves a good hang...and therapy can help. Reach out today for a complimentary consultation call to learn more.
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