Why Acceptance and Action are BFFs

My first winter in Durango, a friend took me on my inaugural Wolf Creek snowboarding adventure. It was a classic Wolfie day—alpine start, bluebird sky, and gobs and gobs of fresh, fluffy snow. As an east coaster, I considered myself a highly competent snowboarder…on ice. But it turns out I had no idea how to ski powder. My friend nimbly launched himself down the slope, gracefully floating across the snow like a magical winter bunny. I followed, and promptly fell flat on my face. 

I totally panicked. My snowboard was buried somewhere underneath me with my feet still attached, there was snow up my nose and in my gloves, and my head was pointed downhill. I began thrashing around, trying and trying to get myself unburied, and becoming more upset, tired, and scared by the minute. 

Eventually, I wore myself out and stopped struggling. I took a breath. I looked down the hill where my friend was waiting, laughing his a** off. And, once I could see him, I realized I wasn’t dying. Despite being cold, wet, and tired, I was actually ok. He gestured some instructions between bouts of laughter, and I was able to get myself moving again. None of it was pretty, but I was able to go forward with a day full of adventure, bruises, fun, cold, cold, and more cold, and eventually whiskey. 

I’ll bet you’ve experienced something similar in your own life, a situation where you spent a lot of energy, time, and effort fighting against your circumstances because you didn’t like or want what you were experiencing. Because you’re a human with a lot of life experience, my guess is you can also find an example of the opposite: a time in your life you’ve chosen to experience discomfort for the sake of something important. 

Pain-inducing situations are inevitable in our human lives. Difficult moments are part of the reality of the human condition. There’s a lot of hurt in the world, and these days we are closer to it than ever. A click, swipe, or scroll puts us front and center as witnesses to human suffering across the globe. The in-your-face-ness of media means our species’ stories—painful, heart-wrenching, unjust, cruel—are right there in front of us all the time. 

ACT is the main therapeutic modality I use in my private practice, and stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. When acceptance is in the name, you know it’s an important part of the whole shebang. And in ACT, there’s a very important relationship between acceptance and action. 

The word “acceptance” can bring up strong reactions for people, mostly because of its general use in our culture and society. We often use acceptance in a very non-accepting way. Think of the last time you said to yourself “I just have to accept it” or “it is what it is.” In my experience personally and as a therapist, statements like “it is what it is” are often used to minimize, disregard, or push away our experiences…the opposite of acceptance. And, people mistakenly believe acceptance means liking or wanting something, or passive surrender to an unacceptable situation. These views of acceptance understandably lead folks to run screaming from the whole concept.  

In ACT and in many contemplative practices, acceptance is part of the process of living—to be able to witness, feel, observe, soften around, and make space for difficult internal experiences. Acceptance is important because it frees up all that fight and struggle energy so you can instead put your efforts into something important. However, to paraphrase Russ Harris in his book ACT Made Simple, ACT isn’t about turning ourselves into acceptance police. The cue to practice acceptance is when doing so allows us to take action in line with our values. That’s why acceptance and action are BFFs. When we take action, we’re often asking ourselves to engage in the (sometimes Herculean) task of leaning into uncomfortable feelings.

Try this exercise in order to explore the relationship between acceptance and action in your own life:

1. What upsets you most in current events? What news stories really bother you?

2. What does being upset about the situation tell you about what’s important to you? 

3. What emotions and feelings would you have to make space for in order to take action on what you value? 

4. What actions do you not take because you don’t want to feel stuff? 

If your mind is anything like my mind, I bet you sometimes tell yourself that you’re too tired, too burnt out, or too scared to take action. Or that there’s no point, or it’s too hard, or that it won’t make a difference. Perhaps you are waiting for feelings of fear, anxiety, overwhelm, and powerlessness to go away before you act. 

I know there are many times I’ve decided I’m “too exhausted” to read the news, or volunteer in some capacity, or call my congressman, or donate money, or show up to an event. And, when I look back on my life, I certainly don’t want to say to myself “I didn’t stand up for what I believed in, because I was too tired.” 

Fusion is another important ACT process that comes into play here. When we’re fused with something, it means it has hooked us, we don’t have any space from it, and we can’t step back and see whatever it is in context. It’s the (sometimes very subtle) difference between saying “I’m sad” and “I feel sad.” Or “I’m a perfectionist” versus “I sometimes act in perfectionistic ways.” 

If I get fused with the thought “I’m too tired and scared to engage with current events” then I’ll probably avoid engagement, and miss opportunities to contribute to the world around me. 

If I instead notice the thought “I’m too tired and scared to hear about what's going on,” step back from it, and acknowledge that it’s just words and pictures in my head, I’ll probably make different choices. I also have to work on the acceptance bit; in taking in whatever is dominating the headlines, I can predict feeling a whole host of emotions—anger, fear, frustration, powerlessness, anxiety, hope, disgust, shock. Basically, when we take action in line with our values, we’re going to feel uncomfortable stuff. 

I’ve talked in previous posts about willingness, which is really just another word for acceptance. Lucky for you (and for all of us) willingness and acceptance are skills we can learn and practice, not innate states we have from birth. And, like all new learning, we’re going to have days when we’re skillful and days when we’re less skillful. 

Let’s try another little exercise. Go back to your answer to question two above. In thinking about the state of the world, what did you decide is important to you? Is it trans rights, reproductive access, wealth equity, social programs, or public lands? Or something else entirely? 

• What is one action you could take to support something important to you? Do you want to donate money? Volunteer? Yell at your representatives? Organize a protest? Join a mutual aid organization? Talk to a recalcitrant relative? Write a blog post? 
  
  
• What uncomfortable feelings will you feel while you take this action?
  
  
• What thoughts might try to hook you, and steer you away from this action? 

Practice telling yourself “I am choosing to feel uncomfortable feelings, and not believe all the scary stories my mind tells me, because I want to take action on my values.” 

Uncomfortable emotions might feel gross, but they aren’t going to hurt us. You are tougher than you think when it comes to feeling your feelings and taking action anyway. And as you practice telling yourself these things, remember that I'm practicing right along with you. 

Want to work on your own acceptance skills so you can take action on the important stuff? Therapy can help. Schedule a complimentary consultation call with me to learn more.