I Don't Want To!

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said to yourself “I don’t want to.” Everyone? Good. What about “I’m too tired” or “I don’t have time”? Wow, everyone again? Me too! How about “I can’t”? Same here! Given the similarities between our thoughts, I’ll bet your mind works a lot like my mind. Bonus points if you, like me, thought these things in the last day, or even within the last hour.

(Fun story: I was having a lot of “I don’t want to” thoughts about writing this post, mostly because I felt conflicted and somewhat apathetic about a topic. So, I’m writing about my “I don’t want to” thoughts. Ah, the human mind, giving me endless material to work with.)

All of the don’t want to/can’t/won’t thoughts have a similar vibe, huh? Thoughts like “I don’t want to” and “I can’t” often come along with feelings of apathy, disengagement, and overwhelm. Perhaps there’s some shame and perfectionism mixed in for a little extra spiciness.

If you’re tuned in to the psychology world, you’ve probably heard of “parts” or “parts work.” There’s an entire psychological theory called Internal Family Systems dedicated to working with parts, and other theories like ACT and the underlying framework of EMDR have a parts focus as well. 

Us ACT therapists often use metaphors for parts, describing them as passengers on a bus or actors on stage. All this talk of parts is simply to say that your internal world isn’t uniform and monochromatic. It's made up of colorful actors moving on and off your internal stage, and various characters seat hopping on your internal bus.

For today, let’s go with actors—I just watched Sing 2, so I have big theater kid energy right now. I get really curious about the “I don’t want to” actor. Let’s call her I Don’t Want To Ingrid, or IDWTI for short. Like I said, I noticed IDWTI show up when I realized I had a post “due” on Friday. I felt dread, and a desire to continue checking out and distracting myself by reading fiction, online shopping, or organizing my Tupperware cabinet (again.)

So who is IDWTI if we look at her more closely? For me, there is a big component of overwhelm, perfectionism, and anxiety in IDWTI’s story arc. IDWTI’s character writers knew what they were doing! In my work as a therapist, I've noticed that perfectionism, overwhelm, and anxiety are tied pretty closely together. 

I think we’re often overwhelmed and anxious because doing pretty much anything in life comes with risk. Perfectionism joins the show because there's a risk (and maybe even a certainty) that whatever we’re undertaking might not turn out perfectly, and we’ll probably feel messy and uncomfortable in the process. So we stay frozen in anxiety, overwhelm, and perfectionism, partly because it’s “safer” than the vulnerability of trying something new. 

I’ve certainly shared some messy projects, writing, and ideas in my life, and I still feel a tinge of shame thinking about certain products that are out there in the world with my name on them. (Please don't dig around for my first screen printing project in college...SO EMBARRASSING.) It would be so much more comfortable if I just listened to IDWTI, avoided posting s**t on the internet, and organized my sock drawer instead. (You’re getting a real glimpse into my avoidance behaviors…lots of organizing over here, folks.)

What else do IDWTI, the “I’m too tired” part, the “I’m too busy” part, and the “I can’t” part have in common? In addition to anxiety, overwhelm, and perfectionism, these parts share a lack of acknowledgment of our own volition. I kind of love that word, volition. It’s our autonomy, our free will, our choice. And when certain actors miss their curtain cue and instead take over the show, we lose contact with our volition.

Here’s an experiment. If you have use of your left arm, I want you to say to yourself “I can’t move my left arm.” Now repeat this thought while raising your left arm slowly up and down. Interesting! Even though you have the thought “I can’t move my left arm," it turns out you still have the ability to move your arm up and down. (If you have an impairment or disability that makes the use of your arm challenging or impossible, could you try this in a different way? Maybe with the thought “I can’t stick out my tongue” or “I can’t wrinkle my nose”?)

I was talking to a friend the other day about how we get moving when our mind is telling us to do the opposite. Of course it’s not as easy as the arm experiment above, and I know a lot of people post-election just wanted to hide under their covers and never come out. You might be having thoughts like "I can't get out of bed" or "I can't stop doom scrolling," and those thoughts probably feel a lot more sticky than "I can't move my left arm." 

It's ok to retreat for awhile...and I imagine eventually you'll want to or have to get up and get moving again. So, what helps you get moving when your “I don’t want to” shows up? 

For me, it helps to take action in some sort of direction. I might take the step of changing out of my house pants and into some outdoor pants, put on my shoes, don a hat. Usually if I can get myself moving, even if it’s just one simple task, I can get myself out the door.

Granted, this has taken me a lot of practice, mostly because of those anxious and perfectionistic parts like IDWTI. Those parts tell me I can’t leave the house looking like a scruffle muffin, or that I have to do BIG EXERCISE instead of taking a walk around the block. It has taken me time and persistence, and a lot of hiccups along the way, to recognize these parts and do the thing anyway.

What about you? What do your "I don’t want to" or "I’m too tired" parts look like, sound like, feel like? Do they have an energetic feel? A body sensation? When these parts show up, do you notice you start to feel more zoned out, disconnected, and tuned out? When these parts take over, what important life stuff do you miss out on?

Curious about the actors on your life stage? Therapy can help you explore different parts of yourself, and bring them out of the wings and into the spotlight. By shining light on our different actors, the hope is to realize that we don't have to be so afraid of them and let them dominate the show. Reach out today if you're interested in learning more!