The M&M's of Emotion Regulation

I don’t know about y’all, but these days I sometimes feel unwillingly strapped to a Tilt-A-Whirl of doom, holding on white-knuckled and trying my hardest not to throw up. Engaging in our world can make even the sturdiest of us feel nauseous and dizzy. We’re left stumbling around, feeling unsteady and unbalanced.

Unsteady and unbalanced has a name in the therapy world—dysregulation. Dysregulation’s aspirational twin is “emotionally regulated,” and often people come into therapy with a goal of better emotion regulation.  But what are we really saying when we talk about the regulation and dysregulation of emotion?  

Synonyms for emotion regulation include stability, groundedness, and centeredness. The opposite of emotion regulation is usually some sort of survival response, whether that be the anxiety and amped up feelings of fight or flight or the slow, heavy, disconnected slump of a freeze state.

So why does the title of this post include M&M's? Mostly clickbait. Kidding! I’m kidding. We’re big M&M's fans at our house (peanut of course, you monsters) and we’re rarely on a road or river trip without our party-sized bag. M&M's is a lot to say over and over again, so we’ve shortened our favorite candy to “M’s.” While I don’t know if being all hyped up on tasty M’s is a great emotion regulation tool for me, eating a delicious, brightly-colored snack does align with my values of playfulness and fun.

So, that’s the backstory. Today, we’re talking about M’s because I can never remember what the DBT emotion regulation acronym—ABC PLEASE—stands for. What do those letters represent? Nobody knows. (I mean, highly trained DBT therapists know. Good on ya, DBT folks.) I have to look it up every time, which isn’t very helpful when I’m trying to support someone in my office. No one likes their therapist frantically googling therapy terms in a session. 

I started thinking about types of emotion regulation and noticed a lot of m-words popping up. So, I simplified ABC PLEASE for myself by thinking about M&M's. (Could this be an advertising campaign for M&M's? As in, "M&M's, they help you regulate your emotions!" If so, I hope I somehow get a cut of the sales.) 

Everyone has their own ideal combination of M’s. Maybe you like a few regular M’s sprinkled in with your peanut. Whatever combo you land on, think of the M’s as the activities you need to do a day-to-day basis to help you be the kind of parent/friend/partner/employee/cat mom/dogfather you want to be. 

Here are a few emotion regulation categories that tend to be helpful for people:

• Movement: For many of us, having some sort of intentional movement practice helps us stay connected to ourselves. Maybe it’s taking a daily walk, or gentle stretching, or going full out on your mountain bike, or hitting the climbing gym. I know there are buckets of research around exercise and mood, and I’d say most people anecdotally report feeling a shift in how they relate to the world after exercise. 
  
  Movement can be a tricky one because exercise can easily slip into the category of self-hatred and self-improvement, and become based in perfectionism instead of values. That’s why I say intentional movement practice. What would a movement practice that is both based in your values and kind to your body look like? 
  
  
• Mother Nature: On the movement front, are you getting enough outside time? This is the first day in the last week or so that the temps here in Colorado have been above freezing, and on the super cold days I noticed myself resisting going outside. And, I know going for a walk, and seeing the mountains, and perhaps catching a glimpse of the foxes that bebop through the fields near our house, does actually help my emotional state. 
  
  There’s an element of perspective-taking involved in Mother Nature time—being outside reminds me of the cyclical nature of seasons, calls attention to impermanence, and helps me tune in to something much bigger than myself. 
  
  
• Mindfulness: Ah, mindfulness, everyone’s favorite therapy word. I know, it can get a bit eye-rolly…but remember that mindfulness is really just paying attention. It’s willingly turning towards, instead of away from, whatever you’re experiencing. Mindfulness practices help us stay grounded and regulated because they place us squarely in the here and now, the place where we ultimately have the most control, autonomy, and choice. 
  
  Mindfulness activities can include all sorts of things, including journaling, meditation, therapy, walking…or even just paying attention during day-to-day activities. A mindful moment while washing the dishes might be noticing the feel of the water on your hands, the smell of the dish soap, the texture of the sponge. It doesn’t have to be pleasant or relaxing. You might in fact notice something unpleasant or uncomfortable. Either way, you're building your paying attention muscle.
  
  
• Meals: Yes, eating is an important part of emotion regulation. We all have that one person in our lives who gets hangry and hirritable. You live in a human body, and it needs to be fed. Also, there are probably some foods that help you feel more grounded and regulated than others. This requires some paying attention on your part to how you feel after certain types of food. For me, warm soup on a cold day definitely helps me feel more grounded. 
  
  Like exercise, food and eating can get very misaligned with values if based in perfectionism, control, and self-harm. And, I know for a lot of people it's not as simple as "just eat some food." Remember, you get to pick your combo of M's, so if food and eating are a challenge you might skip this one as one of your emotion regulation tools until you get more support in that area. 
  
  
• Meds: If you’re on medication, take it consistently and as prescribed. If you think you might need medication, get more information from a qualified medication prescriber. If you think your medication might be messing with you, get more information from a qualified medication prescriber. If you’ve been on medication for a long time and are still feeling extreme ups and downs…you guessed it…get more information from a qualified medication prescriber. 
  
  
• Moderate substances: Substances are inherently dysregulating…I mean, don’t we usually use them to achieve some sort of altered state? Alcohol, weed, MDMA, cocaine, ketamine—you’re using it because it does something for you, and likely alleviates pain or discomfort in some way. And, many people get a lot out of psychedelic-assisted therapies, so we’re not totally taking drugs off the table here. 
  
  But, as Anna Lembke says in Dopamine Nation, there is an element of radical honesty with substances. How often are you using it? How much are you using? What is it doing for you, and what is it costing you? The addicted parts of us are by nature a little bit prickly and defensive, so it can be challenging to arrive at the radically honest place. As you explore this topic, you might see if you can approach the workability/lack of workability of a substance from a nonjudgemental stance. No one is taking your weed away, but your weed might be taking YOU away from the person you want to be. (Oooh...mic drop!)
  
  
• Mellow out (go to sleep): There are lots of wacky books and studies out there about how much sleep people need. I encourage you to find what works for you, and get enough sleep that you feel, well, like you had a full night’s sleep. I know there are a lot of factors that can get in the way of sleep, from life circumstances (shoutout to parents of small children) to our busy minds telling us scary stories at 2 AM. 
  
  Sleep is often a “control the things you can, work with the things you can’t” sort of arena. Going back to the idea of nature and cycles, going to bed when it gets dark and getting up as it becomes light is a generally helpful guideline. All those sleep hygiene tips are also pretty dang helpful—make your room dark and cool, no screens before bed, give yourself time to wind down, etc., etc. If you're just beginning your journey towards better sleep, experimenting with some common sleep hygiene suggestions is a good place to start. 
  
  
• Minimize media consumption: If I want to dysregulate myself really fast, I know exactly what to do. I go on social media, or I listen to the news, or I turn on one of my social issues podcasts. In short order, I feel spun out, sad, and overwhelmed. There is of course a balance, and you probably have some values around staying engaged and tuned in. And, how do you do that without completely spiraling? I can’t say I have the answer, but you might start by looking at how much time you’re spending consuming media, and how you feel afterwards. 
  
  Once you have more data, you can start to make more informed choices around your engagement with the firehose of current events. A boundary I've set for myself is no social issues podcasts on the way to work, only therapy podcasts or quiet music. On the way home, I've given myself permission to listen to whatever I want. I've noticed since setting this boundary that I arrive at work in a much more grounded place, which is better both for me and for the folks coming into my office. 
  
  
• Meaning: How can staying connected with our values keep us regulated? When we’re connected with our values, we’re less likely to be reactive in the moment. Say your unhinged cousin pisses you off with another ranty post on whatever platform. You want to do something, but before you react you remind yourself of some of your values: boundaries, connection, and kindness. 
  
  By keeping your values in mind, you’re less likely to set the world on fire and more likely to take action in line with one of those values. Boundaries? Maybe you hide or unfollow ranty cousin’s account. Connection? Maybe you reach out with a phone call and try to have a conversation. Kindness? Maybe you focus your energy on a group or cause you care about. This doesn’t mean you won’t feel all the feelings—it’s impossible to make those go away—but it might mean you can get a little bit of space from those feelings and move in an intentional direction. 

I could probably write a whole post on each of the M’s. Sleep, exercise, eating, substances…they're all parts of life that can get really complicated. I doubt ABC PLEASE was ever meant to be a cure-all for our dysregulation woes, and the M's aren't either. Instead, think of the M's as a jumping off point for reflecting on your emotion regulation needs.  

As you’re spinning through the emotional hurricane of early 2025, you might stop and ask yourself if one of the M’s could apply to your situation. Do you need to intentionally move your body? Or to remind yourself of your values? Do you need more moments of mindfulness throughout the day? Have you eaten? Are you getting enough sleep? Are there any other M’s you can identify to help you stay steady when the tremors of modern life begin to shake your foundation? 

If you don’t even know where to start, that’s ok…therapy can help. I offer a free 15 minute consultation call to anyone interested in working with me. If you've found what you've read today helpful, I hope you'll consider reaching out.