On Getting Stuck, and Getting Moving Again

As usual, I had the best of intentions to crush my summer blogging schedule. Back in June, my self-imposed every other week deadline felt super accessible. I thought to myself “I’ve got this! High five, self!” Then in July, my husband and I abruptly decided to move from the house we had been living in for the past ten years. Hello, life upheaval. Goodbye, meeting deadlines. 

Moving got me thinking about stuckness versus stability. Prior to our last house, I hadn’t lived anywhere for more than two years since I graduated from high school back in the olden days of the early aughts. From ages 18-31, I moved, at a minimum, every two years. At times the move was just across town, and at other times it was to another country. It was an adventurous life period, and a time of lots of growth, movement, and change. And while it was exciting, so much movement definitely did not lend itself to stability. 

When I finally made it out west and landed in Durango, I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief. I’d found home. And when—through a series of very Durango-like coincidences—we landed in our old apartment and were able to stay, it felt good to just…settle.

But at some point in those 10 years living in the same house, I got stuck. I got too comfortable. Change became overwhelming and scary, and something I wasn’t willing to face.

In ACT, we talk and think a lot about willingness. Willingness doesn’t come naturally to us humans. Avoidance, the opposite of willingness, is a much more conditioned response in our nervous system. But willingness is a skill we can build, although it takes a lot of practice. It is a moment-to-moment choice to be with what is arising.

Looking back on our living situation, I discovered some indicators that I was stuck, and allowing avoidance instead of practicing willingness. I hope you’ll be able to use this information to evaluate your own level of stuckness versus stability:

• Anger and irritability 
  I started feeling reactive about so many things connected to our living situation. The partying in the house next to us? Unbearable. The sound of laughter from our downstairs neighbors? Like fingernails on a chalkboard. I summed my emotions up to justifiable anger; after all, no one likes getting woken up at 2 AM. However, if I’d instead taken those emotions as information, I wonder what I might have learned. 
  
  
• Fusion with “fear of change” thoughts. 
  There were all sorts of reasons my mind gave me around why I couldn’t move. Our cat, Captain Kathryn Janeway, adopted us at our last house, and we believed we couldn’t move without completely ruining her life (she is at this moment curled contentedly in my lap at our new house.) I didn’t think I could bear living anywhere not within walking distance from my office (Google Maps says it would take 10 hours to walk to my office from our new place.) In hindsight, I was fused with thoughts based in a fear of change, and didn’t recognize my own fusion. 
  
  
• Lack of willingness to experience difficult emotions 
  Moving has brought up so much—grief, fear, longing, guilt, exhaustion, overwhelm, excitement, relief, joy. I think at some point in the 10 years in our old house I lost some willingness to feel the wild and diverse range of emotions accompanying a big life change like moving.  

There’s nothing wrong with getting stuck. It happens to all of us. A common ACT adage is “people are stuck, not broken.” And sometimes, it takes getting moving again to realize we were stuck.

In ACT there’s something called the hexaflex, a diagram that summarizes the six core concepts of psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility is how we measure mental wellness in ACT. It’s not symptom alleviation, but instead a measure of how much fluidity and willingness we can bring to the table when difficulties arise, as they inevitably do. The hexaflex can be a helpful tool when you’re questioning your own degree of stuckness:

• How present are you? 
  Are you doing a lot of avoiding by staying busy, zoning out, or using substances? Do you have any practices that help bring you back to the here and now? Activities like journaling, meditation, therapy, exercise, and getting out in nature can help bring us back from whatever avoidant zone we were floating in. 
  
  
• How willing are you to feel difficult feelings? 
  Like I said earlier, change brings up a lot of tough emotions. If we’re not willing to feel our feelings, change becomes next to impossible. You don't have to take my word for it...think of a time you have chosen not to make a change because it felt too overwhelming or scary. 
  
  
• What are you noticing about your thoughts? 
  The mind is like an overactive assistant, always chattering away and giving reasons to do or not to do certain things. If we’re buying into our thoughts on a regular basis, we’re probably missing out on opportunities to respond more flexibly in life. 
  
  
• How connected are you to your values? 
  Values are ongoing qualities of doing and being. They are our north star, our guiding light. We can have values in different domains of life such as relationships, family, work, leisure. Disconnecting from your values is like losing your compass in the wilderness; you’re probably going to be wandering in circles for awhile. 
  
  
• Are you taking steps towards your values? 
  Having a compass heading doesn’t really do much if you’re not walking in the direction your heading points. You have to actually take a physical step forward, then another, then another. Committed action steps are the tangible things we do that keep us moving in the direction of our values. If you have a value of connection in the domain of friendships, you need a committed action step—like reaching out to friends on a regular basis, scheduling social events, and showing up when people need you—to be moving towards your value. 
  
  
• How’s your perspective-taking? The last part of the hexaflex involves the ability to “zoom out” and see yourself and your life in the big picture. Zooming out requires building our observing muscle. Some of the activities I mentioned that support being present are also great for perspective-taking, like meditation, journaling, and time in nature.

I hope you were able to gain some tools to help you assess possible stuckness, and get moving again if you find you are stuck. Having difficulty getting unstuck on your own? Therapy can help. I offer a complimentary 15 minute consultation call to all interested clients.